


Secrets and Truths

by tangentsandbubbles



Category: Lord John Series - Diana Gabaldon, Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Anal Sex, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:41:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28710639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tangentsandbubbles/pseuds/tangentsandbubbles
Summary: A John /Jamie fic. Set some time after Echo.  Just a bit of reading for all you folks in lockdown. See notes
Relationships: Jamie Fraser/Lord John Grey
Comments: 18
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> See the tags. Past experiences of rape are discussed.

Secrets and Truths

Chapter 1

Jamie cleared the supper dishes from the table at Frasers Ridge and poured them all a whisky. William was still agitated.

“I still don’t understand why you kept this a secret for so long” said William.

John and Jamie glanced at each other. John took a cautious sip of whisky. Jamie’s whisky making skills hadn’t improved.

“We never knew when would be the right time to tell ye” said Jamie. “It’s not like we’ve had previous experience of this ye ken.”

William took a gulp of the whisky, and stared down into the amber fluid.

“So what other secrets have you been hiding from me?” He turned to them all in turn.

The room was silent for a moment.

“Well, I suppose it’s time I told you my secret,” said Lord John.

They all turned to look at him, Jamie’s eyes widening in horror. “Christ man, ye dinnae have to tell him that - it’s yer own business!” Claire rolled her eyes. _Here we go._

William faced John, eyebrows raised in question. Lord John stood up and took a deep breath, putting down the glass of whisky.

“I am a sodomite”

You could have heard a pin drop.

William stood up and came close to John. “Papa, I think I have known this for a long time. I don’t know how I know it, but it doesn’t surprise me to hear you say it.” He smiled at John.

John let out a sigh of relief, and embraced his son, blinking at the tears on his face.

“You’re a brave man Papa. I’m so glad you’ve told me,” said William smiling into his face, and stroking his arm. He rested his head on John’s shoulder, thinking how long it had been since he had done so, and felt the comfort of John’s arms around him. They stayed like that for a while as Claire and Jamie exchanged looks of relief.

Finally Claire stood up. “I think I’ll be off to bed now- Good night everybody.”

They all bade her goodnight followed by William, who also bade Jamie and John goodnight.

Jamie stood up to refill the two men’s whisky glasses. John took another mouthful with a wince and looked at Jamie.

“I think I need some air” said John, and walked out onto the veranda. There was a faint breeze coming down from the hills that blew gently over his face as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The smells of flowers and horse manure floated around the porch with a little buzz of insects. He leaned onto the rail and inhaled again, and he sensed Jamie’s footsteps coming out to the porch and Jamie’s form standing beside him.

“That was verra brave of ye” said Jamie, looking out over the field.

“Or very foolhardy. But a relief to tell the truth nonetheless. I feel more at ease with people who know my secret.” said Lord John. He looked up and gazed at the stars.

“Aye. I think it’s time I told ye the truth of my own demons” said Jamie with an edge to his voice that made Lord John turn and look at him and watch the breeze ruffle his greying red hair. The half moon shone a little light onto Jamie’s face as he turned to John and swallowed nervously.

“It was back in ’43. I was arrested by the redcoats and put in Wentworth prison.” Lord John nodded quietly. Jamie looked warily from John’s face out into the dark field, and let out a big sigh. Jamie mostly managed to keep this part of his past out of his head, but being in the presence of John often seemed to bring it all back again. The clenching in his wame. _Oh Christ. It’s like those days when I relived it._

“His name was Captain Jonathan Randall. Black Jack he was called. He raped me. He was extremely brutal and sadistic. Tore my body apart and I couldna speak for days. Claire nursed my damaged body, but my mind….well….. I dinnae think my mind has ever really healed.”

Lord John’s face crumpled, an aching sadness filling him as he listened. _Oh Jamie, I always wondered…_

“Oh dear God, Jamie. Where is he now?” whispered John.

“Aye, well, I killed him at Culloden. Funny thing is, his body fell on top o’ mine and stopped my leg wound from bleeding out. So, in a way the bastard saved my life.” Jamie gave a wry snort.

Lord John looked at Jamie, scarcely believing what he heard. “What?” Then he shook his head and exhaled. They paused, silence between them. “I suppose it explains why you threatened to kill me at Ardsmuir.”

“Aye it does” said Jamie, not looking at John, but his hands gripped the railing. He felt a constriction in his chest, dimly realising John should have been told this sooner.

“And it explains why you call me a disgusting pervert.”

“Och, I’m sorry John.” Jamie turned to face John now, his sapphire blue eyes glittering in the moonlight. “I dinnae know what tae feel about ye sometimes. I just react before I can think.”

There was silence for a while. John was reeling from the thoughts in his head. _Jamie thought I would hurt him……oh God.._

Jamie looked at John at last. “I shouldha told ye a long time ago. I just…..dinnae like to speak of it.”

Lord John let out a big sigh. _If only I’d known. If I’d known, so many things would have made more sense at the time._ “Well, I do understand you know. I was also raped.”

Jamie wheeled around, shock written all over his face and blue eyes widened in horror. ”What? No! John I canna believe..….”

Lord John gave Jamie a faint grimace and twirled Hectors ring. “It was just after Culloden. I was only seventeen, and still very grief stricken by my dear Hector’s death. It was dark, it was brutal and I never saw who it was. To this day I don’t know who. Ever since, I have always carried my lucky dagger. Even now when I… when I… if a man tries to make love to me, I feel a flinch. Like a flash of memory, not quite panic. So I prefer not to be taken that way.” Lord John could feel his heart pounding and his breath constricted at the telling of the story. He looked at Jamie. “ I have never told this to a soul…” John closed his eyes. “I also don’t like to speak of it.” _Well, I can hardly blame Jamie for keeping silent, when I have done exactly the same._

Jamie didn’t know what to say. He was stunned into silence. The thought that John had also quietly suffered the same fate as himself made his head spin. Jamie felt a shift in his feelings for John, he couldn’t really explain it, but he wanted to reach out to the man.

“I’m so sorry John. If ye ever track him down, I’ll kill him.”

John smiled and tried to relax the tension in his shoulders. “Thank you Jamie. You know they do it for power and control? Perhaps even hatred of what we are. You, a Scot. Brianna and Claire, women. Me, a sodomite who gave away secrets to the Scots.”

“Aye, I ken. Brianna, Claire and I have talked about that. We are survivors John, not victims.”

Lord John looked at Jamie. “Survivors? I like that. It is good to talk about it.”

Jamie looked at him. “Aye John. Ye said ye’d never told anyone. Ye can talk to me about it if ye ever have a need.”

“Thank you Jamie.“ John smiled at Jamie, truly appreciating the generous offer, feeling their friendship come that little bit closer. “And I hope you feel you can talk to me.”

Jamie turned to grip the railing and let out an exasperated breath. “Aye John. I’m glad I’ve spoken of it. Ye mentioned there’s still the memory of it. I’d just like to be able to shut the old memories away and find new ones.”

John smiled and nodded at Jamie, then looked up at the stars, coming and going behind clouds. He closed his eyes. He yearned more than anything to embrace Jamie, wrap his arms around him, hold him tight, but held back, not wanting to upset the new closeness between them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie talks to Claire

Chapter 2

“Well, I’m glad you’ve finally told him,” said Claire as she banged her scalpel and scissors into the metal container ready for boiling. “You should have told him ages ago. It might have saved you both a lot of grief.”

Jamie looked at her and nodded. “Aye, well I must say it does feel a relief.”

Claire looked at him with a thoughtful expression and said “I think you need to spend some more time alone with John. Really talk this through, talk about ALL of it and maybe even…..” She waved her hand.

“What are ye sayin’ Sassenach?” as Jamie looked at her with widened eyes.

“Go up to the hut at the waterfall with John and spend a couple of days there.” Claire looked away and busied herself cleaning the table. “And a couple of nights. Share a bed with him. Make love to John, Jamie. And please, just talk.” Then she looked up at Jamie holding his eyes. “I don’t mind. I honestly think it’s for the best and really anything to stop you punching John in the face again. How many times have you tried to kill him now?” She looked at him with a furrow in her brow. “Jamie, it truly worries me that you will actually kill him one day. You need to talk to him about what you went through. You need to learn that it can be safe to touch another man, have feelings for another man. It’s something I can’t teach you. I can’t think of anyone else but John who could.”

“But Claire, you’re my wife! I love you! I don’t love John Grey,” Jamie said looking at Claire and reaching for her hand.

Claire smiled and said “Are you sure about that? I know your heart is big enough to love more than just me. Having children teaches you that. I’m not suggesting you marry him! Jamie, we’ve both had others come and go in our lives that haven’t altered the bond you and I have.”

“Aye that is true enough” said Jamie. “Do ye love John?”

“Yes, I do. And you know in your heart how much he loves you. He’s saved my life and saved your life I don’t know how many times.” Claire paused and looked at Jamie thoughtfully. “And I think you need to talk to John too. He needs your help just as much. And you are the only one who can help him.” said Claire. She smiled at Jamie and put her arms up around his shoulders.

Jamie stood there thinking about what she said. She seemed to see it so clearly. But he also realised John and him did need talk some more. He had an uncomfortable feeling in his wame they had only touched the tip of the iceberg. He bent down and kissed her. “Are ye sure about this Claire”

“Yes. Very sure. You both need this.”

Jamie pulled her in and hugged her and kissed the top of her head.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Jamie arrive at the hut by the waterfall

Secrets and truths 

Chapter 3

The sun was going down as John and Jamie climbed down off their horses and tethered them safely outside the hut with food and water. They unloaded their saddlebags and went into the hut which was furnished simply with a bed, table and chairs, a washbasin and iron pots hanging above the fireplace. The sound of the waterfall gave a deep swishing sound which Jamie always found soothing when he came here on hunting trips. John took off his favourite long cloak and went around the back where the firewood was, and gathered up large armfuls of wood and brought them into the hut whistling the old marching tune “Lilibulero”. Jamie collected water from the waterfall and filled the kettle and washbasin. “Do ye like singing John?” he asked.

“Yes, I do” said John, “I sing whenever I can.”

“I’d love to hear you sing, but I’m afraid I’m tone deaf, so I canna appreciate ye singing,” said Jamie.

John gave a wry chuckle. “Not much point in singing you romantic love songs then.”

Jamie laughed, “No John.”

John smiled. _Tone deaf indeed my dear._

After he had lit the fire John laid out the chessboard on the table with the pieces lined up. Jamie pulled the pasties out of the saddlebag and popped them into a pot and put it on the fire. He put tea leaves in the other pot and poured the boiling water over. Next he poured whisky into small tin cups. The men had stripped off their jackets and waistcoats as the fire warmed the hut, and sat comfortably in shirtsleeves, breeches and stockinged feet, with their boots warming on the hearth.

“Are we playing chess tonight?” asked Jamie with a smile.

John looked at him and said “You know I have always felt most at ease with you when we play chess. That night at Ardsmuir, I was so at ease, it took me off my guard.”

“Well, I hope ye feel ye can let yer guard down wi’ me now” said Jamie. “I have wondered at times how ye manage the pretence. Pretend ye are… what ye aren’t.”

“I’ve never felt ashamed of who I am. I don’t see loving a man as a shameful thing. But others see it differently. I’ve become accustomed to keeping my secret, wearing a mask if you like. I think a lot of people wear masks of various kinds.” John stared into the flickering fire. ”I wish it could be different, but I really don’t have any choice Jamie. I didn’t choose to be this way. You, Claire, Brianna and now Willie know my secret and I find I can relax and be myself in your company, but the rest of the time, well….it’s actually one of the reasons I hang around Frasers Ridge as I don’t have to wear the mask.”

“Aye. You’re always welcome at Fraser’s Ridge. So why did ye get sent to Ardsmuir then John?” asked Jamie, as he served up plates of pasties. John looked at Jamie and let out a big sigh.

“I had a few bad years after Hectors death. The grief just overwhelmed me and I couldn’t speak to anyone about it, go to his funeral. I grieved in silence. Then I was raped. I have never felt so battered and lonely as I did at that time. I had no one to turn to. There’s a place called Lavender House in London which is essentially a gentleman’s brothel for men. I spent rather too much time there drinking and whoring, trying to escape the grief and loneliness. I came to know a rather manipulative man called George Everett. He took me to a rather raucous society party, got me drunk and the two of us were stripped naked providing the hilarious entertainment. It became quite the scandal at the time. We had paint and masks on our faces but someone recognised me and told Hal about it. So Hal sent me to Ardsmuir.” John rubbed his hands over his face and looked at Jamie shaking his head. “As I say, it was a low point in my life.”

“You’re lucky Lord Melton didn’t skin you alive for that!” said Jamie smiling. “Where is George Everett now?”

“Dead. Harry Quarry ran a sword through him. He is not missed by me,” said John. “That night at Ardsmuir when I reached out and touched your hand and we shared our stories, was the first time in years I felt that loneliness truly dissipate.”

Jamie’s mind snapped back to that evening. It dawned on him for the first time that those tears at Ardsmuir were simply those of a lonely vulnerable man. _Oh God_. “I’m sorry John fer threatening to kill ye then. Och, I didnae know……didnae think…… Christ.” Jamie closed his eyes, wishing he’d understood more about John back then. _Understood more about himself._

“But yer not lonely now, John?”

”Oh no. I have a lot of people whose friendship I truly value,“ said John. “William is always saying ‘is this another one of your friends Papa.’ But your friendship is the one I value the most.”

Jamie smiled. “And Hector? Ye still grieve for him?”

“Oh yes. My first love. My best love. Apart from Hal, you are the only person I have ever really talked to about Hector Jamie. I haven’t ever said a proper goodbye,” as John twirled the ring on his finger.

Jamie nodded, “Aye, a lot of good men we lost at Culloden never had a proper goodbye.”

They munched on their pasties, thoughts of men long gone filling their minds.

“Jamie.”

Jamie turned and looked at John who looked troubled. “Aye?”

“I am not a rapist you know. I would never, ever make a person do anything they didn’t want. All I want is to give the person I am with pleasure and enjoyment. To show affection, care for them. Please don’t think I would ever, ever wish to hurt you.” John looked into Jamie’s eyes, his own pale eyes still troubled.

Jamie was drawn to look at John. “Aye John. Aye. I’m glad to hear ye say it. I understand ye care fer me. I think we are already becoming closer friends, all these things we’re sharing, are we no’?” Jamie was still feeling uncomfortable, but it wasn’t disgust any more. It was the feeling of being drawn in closer to the man, like bricks being slowly taken down, one by one.

They moved to the chess game with their cups of whisky. John moved his pawn. Jamie moved his. The game went on in silence as they moved rooks, bishops and pawns around the board. John moved his queen and heard a small intake of breath from Jamie. Damn the man! Jamie always could see more steps ahead than John. They gulped more whisky, John blinked at the burn of it and soon enough Jamie announced “Checkmate”.

“You have soundly beaten me again!“ said John who stood up to stretch his legs and stand by the warmth of the fire.

“You are a little off your game tonight Major. And looking a bit uptight if I may say so,” said Jamie, blue eyes twinkling at him fondly as he sipped his whisky.

“Yes. I am a little distracted tonight, I confess” said John, tensing his muscles and clenching his jaw, looking away from Jamie as he tried to collect himself. He took a step forward, stopped, and took another step with a nervous laugh. _God in heaven, he was actually going to bed Jamie Fraser._

“And what’s distracting ye John?” asked Jamie, looking directly at John, not really sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“Have I ever told you how much I love you Jamie? Speaking with you, sharing our very selves, just your presence fills my heart.” John shrugged and smiled. “Even though I know you belong to Claire, I would do anything, anything for you in a heartbeat. Though I doubt you wish to hear me speak of love.”

Jamie looked uncomfortable. He blinked. “John, I do know ye love me. But I dinna deserve it. Dinnae put me on a pedestal. I’m sorry fer punching ye. And, well, I know I’ve not been kind to ye.”

John gave a helpless smile. “I know. I know all of that.”

“So why didn’t ye take up my offer at Helwater all those years ago?”

“Because I knew you didn’t have any feelings for me. If I am to share a bed with you Jamie, I want it to be because, well, that you care for me. Nothing else.”

Jamie tried to take it all in. “I do care fer ye John. It’s just taken me a long time to realise it.”

John smiled, the yearning in his heart simmering away, desperately wanting to reach out, yet afraid of the face of revulsion he’d seen Jamie wear so many times. He couldn’t bear another repeat of Ardsmuir. So, he stood, patiently waiting. _Is Jamie ready for this? Will he ever be ready for this?_

Jamie suddenly realised he would have to make the first move. That John wouldn’t do it, that he was waiting til Jamie was ready. _Am I ready for this? Aye. It’s John. I am as ready as I ever could be._

“Can I touch ye John? I want to touch ye.“ Jamie stood up and walked nearer to John.

”Oh God. Yes, yes you can touch me, God yes, you can touch me til the world ends Jamie,” said John, his face breaking into a beaming smile, feeling relieved, excited, exhilarated. Jamie chuckled, then stepped up close to him and looked into the pale blue eyes that shimmered in the firelight. He stroked John’s face gently, leaned in and their lips touched. Jamie pulled John in closer, arms around his shoulders and John reached out to rest his hands lightly on Jamie’s waist. They kissed hungrily now and Jamie ran his tongue around Johns beautiful soft lips, tasting whisky and butter, smelling the lemon verbena in John’s hair, wanting the full taste of the man, the feel of him, _the feel of a man_. John whimpered as he felt his knees start to tremble, his groin aching, dear God, his whole body aching for this man, as all his desires kept tucked safely away in his heart, suddenly started finding their release.

“Can I touch your skin Jamie?” whispered John.

“Aye. Do I need to hold ye up John? Yer trembling man.”

John laughed just a little hysterically, “I…I’m going to be ok, I think…oh God..”

Jamie chuckled and placed a steadying hand around John’s back.

John pulled Jamies shirt out from his breeches and ran his trembling hands under it, feeling Jamies warm flesh so alive under his hands. “May I?” he asked lifting the shirt and Jamie nodded. John lifted the shirt over his head and moved around to touch Jamie’s scarred back, slowly stroking down the ridges in the skin. “Oh God Jamie, I’m so sorry about my part in this” said John.

Jamie turned to look at him, “Doing yer duty John” he said with a shrug.

“All over a piece of tartan for God’s sake!” said John. “You know I vomited into a drawer in my office when you were lashed?”

Jamie smiled. ‘I realised yer heart wasnae really in it. But I didnae know it made ye sick.”

“I always thought you look your finest and most handsome in a kilt Jamie,” said John as he resumed stroking and kissing Jamie as Jamie smiled and reached to pull off Johns shirt. Jamie ran his hands over Johns chest feeling the muscular strength of the man under his palms, the scars from the exploding cannon and the duel. Breeches were next, John whipping off Jamie’s with quick efficiency while Jamie fumbled with the damn fly buttons. They stood beautifully naked looking at each other, smiling, breathing heavily, cocks starting to thicken up, making shadows in the flickering firelight. John stepped up close, ran hot, hungry kisses down Jamie’s neck and pressed the full length of his body hard against Jamie, cocks compressed, pulling Jamie in close. John was past trembling now. To touch Jamie’s skin ignited a passionate fire through his very core.

“What would you like? Whatever you want, I will do it.” murmured John as he kissed along Jamie’s collarbone, hands sweeping down his back and grabbing his buttocks. Jamie moaned, closing his eyes, the touch of the man setting his skin tingling, heat building in his groin, his own strong arms wrapping around John, holding him close. “Christ John, I didnae know it was going to be like this….What do ye suggest?”

“Hands.” John kissed him, swirling his hands lower. “Mouth.” He kept kissing then whispered in Jamie’s ear. “Or arse.” Then he licked into Jamie’s ear with warm moist breath that made Jamie laugh and snort. Jamie began to move his hips up and down, grinding hard against John, cocks getting harder. Jamie could feel the hot desire, the want for the man building in him. He was amazed it wasn’t frightening or disturbing or disgusting. _It was just John. Caring, kind John, who would never hurt him._ John stepped away and rummaged in his saddlebag for the bottle of oil. He poured some onto Jamie’s hands and then his own. They both reached down to the others cock massaging all up and down the length. They both started to sigh and moan at the touch of the other.

“Come to bed, oh God, I want to do this, I want ye John Grey,” said Jamie breathing faster and pushing John towards to bed. “I want to investigate every bit of you.”

“Investigate? I was hoping you would devour me Jamie.” John was laughing.

“You’re a demanding wee shite aren’t ye?”

One big hand shoved John back onto the bed, happiness bubbling up inside him, giggling, as Jamie ran kisses down his hips, across the top of John’s thigh and took his cock in his mouth. Jamie was surprised when he took John’s cock. He had expected it to be unpleasant, yet it felt somehow natural, easy and funny to listen to John’s little sounds as he did it. John whimpered in tiny, shaky little breaths, interspersed with long slow moans as Jamie’s lips slid up and down his cock, tongue teasing the head. “Can I take ye John? I want to know what it feels like, ” asked Jamie as he ran his hand up the inside of John’s thigh, lightly teasing along the crease of his groin.

“Oh sweet Jesus, yes”, moaned John, “use the oil”. Jamie oiled his hands and massaged John’s beautiful buttocks and down the cleft between, breaching his arse gently, slowly working and opening John up. “Does this feel good John?”

“Oh….Yes…. That’s so good…. yes…. your fingers….just there ..…just like that..”

John lay back onto the pillows, spread out, reaching down to stroke his cheek and pull into his hair, sweat breaking out as he gasped at Jamie’s touch, wanting him closer, every part of him, every inch of the man he wanted to savour. John’s desperate need of Jamie was now finally realised, and he wanted to cherish every moment, as the big Scot’s hands kept probing, tongue sucking, and John writhed on the bed, groaning. 

“Master me Jamie Fraser,” whispered John, his voice rasping.

Jamie laughed. “So ye’re ready then Major?”

Jamie’s cock nudged against John and gently pushed in a little at a time. “God, John, yer so tight, oh God,’” Jamie kept easing in and felt John around him, felt welcomed, needed, desired so much, feeling an easy rhythm. John moaned and pulled Jamie in. “All of you, holy shit,” gasped John, and Jamie picked up the pace and depth of the thrusts. John was at the edge now, teetering, never wanting it to end, Jamie watching his face, enthralled and amused, holding back so he could watch John unravel. Of course it all came too soon and John cried out spilling his seed in spurts over his abdomen and Jamie laughed breathlessly and started pounding in faster for his own release.

Jamie flopped down onto John panting and feeling Johns arms folding around him as they slipped into the afterglow with their hearts slowing to normal pace. They lay there gently stroking each others skin, fingers trailing across the others flesh, the sound of the waterfall swishing outside.

“Did ye flinch John?” asked Jamie. “Cause I couldna feel ye flinch”

John sat up on one elbow and looked at Jamie’s face stroking his cheek. He smiled and chuckled. “No. It seems I forgot!” He laughed out loud and kissed Jamie whispering “Thank you. Thank you my darling”. Then Jamie’s big arms pulled him into a tight embrace, John’s head resting on his shoulder, as sleep washed over them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Jamie /John time at the hut

Secrets and Truths

Chapter 4

The next morning after a breakfast of porridge, the two men went out hunting with their guns. They climbed up into the hills beyond the hut, stopping every now and then to scan the landscape.

“I dinnae ken if there’s many deer here at the moment. We may have to settle fer a wee rabbit,” said Jamie. John nodded, watching the hills but mostly watching Jamie here in his element, immersed in nature, hunting on his own land to feed his loved ones.

Jamie turned and smiled at John with a quizzical look. “Yes John, I am happy and content here. I have everything I could ever want. Apart from Governor Tryon of course.”

“Ah” said John. “I have an idea for a project for the Governor and I to work on, so I may be able to turn his favour…”

“Ssshh!! Stop yer blethering!”

Jamie pointed up at the beautiful stag standing proudly on the edge of the trees sniffing for any signs of threat.

“Ye could take it from here if ye want John” Jamie whispered.

“No,” said John. “It’s beautiful. _It’s coming is a gift._ I’m happy to settle for rabbit stew tonight.”

Jamie shook his head, then raised his gun to promptly shoot a rabbit John didn’t even know was there. Scooping it up they began their walk back to the hut.

“John, do ye ever… feel ashamed of what happened to ye? ”

John looked at Jamie. “I did, yes. For having been foolish enough to trade away the army’s secrets to a Highlander. The shame of that was hard to bear. For not standing up to the man who violated me - I was a soldier after all. I felt like I’d given in, but the truth of it was, he would have killed me if I didn’t give in. It was all very muddled with my feelings of grief, but yes, I was ashamed. I suppose I still am, as I have only told one person about it. You.” John looked away towards the trees. “Are you ashamed Jamie?”

“Aye. I’ve never felt so weak, like my verra idea of myself was gone. I was just this broken shell of a man. I didna know what I could ha’ done to change it. He made a bargain to take me instead of Claire, but I always wonder if there was some other way out, something I didnae see. I’d always seen myself as the strong one before that. The true Highland warrior. Defending his clan, his family. Do ye know John, he made my body react. React with pleasure, him and his damned lavender oil. I couldnae stop it.”

“But our bodies do react. Just like you can’t help a sneeze. It just reacts whether you want it or not.” _Thank Christ I didn’t bring the lavender oil._

“Aye John, aye. The thoughts of that time curdle my wame, like he’s left a stain on me,” Jamie sighed.

“Being a man is many things Jamie. Including shouldering all the storms, batterings and stains life throws at us.”

“Aye. He broke me John. I know I killed him, but I still get so angry about it. Christ, if thoughts of it come into my head, the rage I feel, the fury of it, I cannae bear it.”

‘Oh, I know that. I know that very well indeed. You have directed all that rage, shame and fury at me,” said John, saying it at last. John looked straight at Jamie, his eyes locking onto the big man’s face, not a trace of bitterness in his voice. “And more than that Jamie, your rage is for your dear Scotland, your home, your family, everything you have lost. And I am an English soldier, so you have even more fury to vent at me. It’s not just your rage against Randall, or sodomites, it’s your rage against England. All of it, directed at me.”

Jamie stopped and stared at him, stunned, like he’d been hit. “Oh Christ John. I’m sae sorry.” Jamie was flushed, mortified at how he’d treated John.

John sighed and reached out a hand and placed in gently on Jamie’s arm. _Thank Christ he doesn’t flinch at this any more._ He looked at the Scotsman kindly. “Jamie. He tried to dent what you are, but I know you. You are still a proud Scotsman, brave, ridiculously fearless, you protect people, a true man of honour, but you’re still gentle, loving, tender and just as fragile, angry, stupid, and flawed as the rest of us. You’re still whole, still here, not broken, just a real man.” John closed his eyes for a moment. “Oh, such a man.” He smiled fondly at Jamie.

“How are ye so calm about it John? Aren’t ye angry at what happened to ye?”

‘I had moments of absolute rage, yes, when the drink loosened my control and blew the lid off everything. Poor Hal saw some of that. Now I look back and I must withstand it and accept it. It just **_is_**. A minor misfortune.”

Jamie snorted. “Jesus. God Almighty. ‘a minor misfortune?’ Christ. I cannae change it, I know that, so I suppose I must bear it.” He paused. “I’d like to see ye blow yer lid John Grey. Lose all yer control.” Jamie smirked.

John laughed. “No, you wouldn’t.” John looked at Jamie with widened eyes. “Oh!... you mean in the bedroom…!”

“Aye John, that’s what I mean!” Jamie laughed. They started walking again, heading back to the hut in the afternoon sun.

They arrived sweaty and grimy from the days excursion, and went in to stoke the fire, make a pot of tea, gut the rabbit and unpack potatoes and onions to go in the stew which they put on the fire.

Jamie finished making the tea and said, ”Come on John, come with me.”

He reached out for John’s hand and took him outside and they went up to the pool at the foot of the waterfall. Jamie pulled off his clothes and dived in shouting out with a roar as the cold of the water hit his skin.

He laughed. “Come on Major, It’s only a wee bit freezing! Just enough to freeze yer bollocks off!”

John stripped and dived in too, gasping with cold as he came up beside Jamie. He threw himself up and slammed into Jamie kissing him and pressing their bodies close, legs wrapped around Jamie, Jamie’s arms wrapped tight. Jamie broke away, laughing, and splashed John, making him squeal, so of course Jamie just had to splash him even more, it was so funny. John kept diving at Jamie, trying to push the big man under, but it was hopeless, and John gave up. Then he tried pulling one leg, and whooped loudly when Jamie fell, shocked and spluttering into the water. Jamie roared, laughing, diving at John wrestling him around the waist as John squeaked, laughed and fell over. They played, wrestled and laughed in the water until they couldn’t bear the cold any more.

They gathered up their clothes, bodies shivering and ran naked back to the hut laughing to get to the fire first, like small boys.

Jamie poured the rather stewed tea but it was hot and refreshing. The two beautiful naked men stood looking at each other smiling, and Jamie put his cup down and pulled John in close and kissed him.

“Ye know John, I never realised how much we have in common. We’ve both been raped. I’m a laird and you’re a lord. We’ve both been soldiers, fought in wars, duels. So many adventures. Both been verra lonely and lost after we lost so much at Culloden. Both been married to Claire.”

“And we share William. Two fathers. And both of us are men of honour. You know it seemed like Carryarrick, Ardsmuir and Jamaica were just random encounters, but there seems to be some strange fate pulling us together.”

“Aye. We do have a connection.” Jamie faced John, looking into his eyes, seeing only how much affection John had for him.

“Will you take me now? I want you John. I want to do it right now. Please?”

“Oh God, yes, yes,” said John. ”Jamie, if anything makes you uncomfortable, I’ll stop anytime you want,” as he kissed Jamie’s mouth reaching his tongue inside tasting mountain water, leather and pine. John’s hands ran over Jamie’s body, feeling the taut muscular curves, and feeling him start to warm. The thought of taking Jamie made John giddy, his mind and his body coalescing into one- the need, the hunger, the yearning at last to be requited.

“What’s this scar from?” John asked touching the big gash across his chest.

“Battle of Falkirk. English sword nearly got me.”

John stroked it gently, looking at Jamie. He shook his head. ”Poor Scotland.”

“Aye well, the Stuart threat to the throne was a true madness. I do see that now” said Jamie.

“You and I at least can be allies, brothers” said John.

Jamie ran his fingers gently through John’s hair. “Aye, even more my dear friend. The man I love the most, who does have a little piece of my heart,” as Jamie kissed John gently.

John had been going quite well in the tears department up until that point, but Jamie saying that made his chest tighten and his eyes blinked as the tears fell. Jamie pulled him in, gently wiping the corners of his eyes with his thumb. “Dinnae fash, dinnae fash” he said, his own throat going tight as he blinked hard.

“My beloved,” whispered John, a blubbering mess against Jamie’s shoulder, Jamie gently stroking his hair. Jamie just wanted to soothe him, caress him. _This man I didnae realise how much I loved._

After he had regained some sort of composure, John pushed against Jamie, walking him to the bed, kissing hungrily, hand sliding around Jamie’s curved muscular buttocks, up his back, down across his chest playing with his nipples. John reached for the oil and started massaging their cocks, the two wrapped in his fist. Jamie’s hands stroked every part of John he could find, kissing Johns throat. Jamie was starting to feel the heat in his body, excited, _Christ, I cannae believe it, I actually want this man._ Then John moved his oiled hand gently towards Jamie’s opening and started to gently massage.

“Are you ready? Just feel it Jamie, don’t think, just feel, relax, let go.....”

Jamie opened his eyes and looked straight into John’s blue eyes. “Aye. Oh Christ. You have strong hands John. Oh….John…….” Jamie felt John’s fingers breach him, but he didn’t flinch, it felt gentle, tight, full of finger, and he relaxed into John’s touch, thinking just of what was happening to him, trying to keep his mind in the present, focusing on what he was feeling **_now_** and never, never letting his mind slip to the past. _New memories_.

John took his time working with his fingers looking at Jamie to see what felt best for him. “Tell me Jamie. Are you alright?” Jamie nodded, and kept his eyes looking at John, focusing on different parts of his face - his nose, his messy hair, his lovely eyelashes, the little wrinkles around his eyes….…my God he certainly was a handsome man. John massaged and stretched inside him, and Jamie felt waves of pleasure washing through him as John kept working and stretching.

“Are you alright Jamie? I want to suck you, is that alright?”

“Oh God. Aye ye can, aye…”

John bent down and took Jamie’s cock in his mouth, swirling his tongue around, licking and suckling it, taking it deeply as Jamie gasped and sweat broke out as he writhed on the bed, arching his hips, feeling his body trying to get closer, trying to get more of Lord John Grey. John kept his fingers moving and felt Jamie in his mouth, every part of Jamie’s cock savoured, remembered and caressed, taking Jamie as near to the edge as he dared.

Jamie moaned “Oh fuck me John, I’m ready,” and John murmured, “Oh dear God.”

Then John positioned himself to gently nudge his way in as Jamie gasped, the connection made at last. John held Jamie’s cock and started pushing deeper with his own, easing his way in and out and in, til his pelvis butted into Jamie. “Oh Jesus, this is heaven…I swear I am in heaven….”

John thrust harder pulling Jamies hips in, as it all overwhelmed him as the pure elation of being inside Jamie Fraser at last made him feel he was bursting with joy. All the years of dreaming, hoping for this, and he just wanted to feel, feel all of Jamie Fraser, feel everything, and John cried out in gasps of ecstasy, completely enraptured.

Jamie was gasping for breath, vaguely thinking _is this what it’s like for a woman, being fucked like this?_ and he called out loud, bellowing and groaning with delight, feeling his body surrender completely, as John pounded into him and he felt himself let go first all over the place and then John shuddered his own release with a strangled cry, spilling his all, his heart into Jamie Fraser, and then fell spent and drained on top of Jamie.

They lay there panting, sweat pouring off them, sticky together.

Their breathing eased and they lay stroking each other gently.

“I think you screamed,” said John.

“Nae. It was ye. Ye blew yer lid. I’m sure I didnae scream.” Jamie smiled, running his finger across John’s sweaty skin.

”I’m sure you did. Just a bit.” whispered John.

They lay close together, breathing, sighing, stroking each other.

“Would ye like some rabbit stew John?”

“I’m hungry. When was dinnertime exactly?”

“I dinna know. It’s still early, isn’t it?”

John was settled in to his favourite place. His head on Jamie’s shoulder, and Jamie’s arm wrapped around him, holding him close. He twirled his fingers through the hairs on Jamie’s chest, savouring the moment before Jamie got up. “Yes. Still a little more time.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What now?

Chapter 5

Jamie got up early next morning while John lay in bed. He stoked up the embers and made tea and porridge and brought it back to bed. John started to stir and quietly watch Jamie, watched his moving form, graceful for such a big man, as Jamie moved about making the breakfast. John smiled as Jamie handed him the bowl and John sat up and they both leaned back against the headboard.

“No five egg-white omelette?”

“Christ, Lord John Grey. Do yer demands never stop?” laughed Jamie, as he settled back on the bed.

John ate a few spoonfuls of porridge. He was actually very hungry, and appreciated the filling warmth of the porridge.

“Did you like it? Last night?” asked John.

“Aye. Christ, I’ll confess to ye I enjoyed it. I was surprised how truly pleasurable it was.” Jamie smiled and glanced at John. “Tae be honest, I wasnae looking forward to it exactly. Not frightened, just trepidation I suppose.”

“You enjoyed it? I wanted you to, so much. And you gave me more joy than I ever dared think could ever be possible. So you do see how a man can love another man? Just as much as a woman?”

“Aye John. I’m just sorry it’s taken me sae long to understand it. Thank ye John. Fer washing away that stain. Fuck Jack Randall.” Jamie laughed. John joined in and reached over to kiss him on the cheek.

“I’ve dreamed of this for so long. In fact, I still wonder if I really am in a dream!” said John.

Jamie turned to him. ”Yer no’ dreaming John, I’m glad one of yer dreams has come true.” Jamie paused, thinking. “What other dreams do ye have for us John?”

“Dear God, this is all I ever dreamed of. But now it’s over, isn’t it? You’ll go back to Claire and I…..” John stopped with a catch in his throat, pained lines in his forehead. He shook his head. “I don’t know what I’ll do after this.” He gave a watery smile to Jamie. “I am very grateful to Claire for this gift.”

“I will go back to Claire, aye. She said it had to be more than just buggering each other – we had to talk. And we have talked. I want to be your friend John, and I want to be a better friend than I’ve been. But I cannae be your lover.”

“I know. I do know it. This will be a memory I shall cherish.”

“Aye. I’m going tae treasure the memory of it too. John, I want to set ye free. Free from this bond ye have to me. That little piece of my heart that’s yours. That’s our friendship, the love we have, not yer prison.”

John looked at Jamie. Blue eyes watering, blinking back tears as he bit his lip. _Dear God it hurts so much. I knew this would be the most terribly painful part. The cost I must bear._

“I can’t stop loving you Jamie, any more than you could stop loving Claire.”

Jamie sighed. “I know. I do know how that feels.” He’d pushed John away so many times, often with violence. But this time was different. He sensed John’s pain, wanted to find a way to ease it, get to the other side without him suffering. And he loved him now. _This was going tae be so much more difficult than the buggering._

“Ye loved Hector, and ye love me. Have ye loved anyone else John?”

John hesitated, as the thought of Percy and all the confused feelings he had about the man came into his mind.

“Yes. I have loved another,” said John in a clipped voice.

“So….. tell me more aboot him. Where is he now?”

John didn’t say anything.

“I’ve got all day John, but ye may as well spit it out man.”

_Perhaps I should tell Jamie. About all of it._ But the last time he had spoken of Percy ended in that disastrous conversation at Helwater. John took a breath.

“it was Percy, my stepbrother”

Jamie’s eyes opened wide, and recalled immediately the Helwater conversation. How he accused John that a man couldn’t love a man, the other regrettable things they had both said, and how he’d punched John and missed.

“Aye I remember. What happened to him? Is he still alive?”

“Yes. I did help him escape from prison. He went to Italy, then France and he has changed his name. He is actually now in America, and I have spoken to him a couple of times.”

“Did he love you?”

Johns eyes softened. “Oh yes. He did love me.” John sighed.

“Did ye love him?”

“Yes, but not as much as he deserved.”

“Why was that?”

John looked up at the ceiling. He took a breath and turned to Jamie. “Because I was in love with someone else, and he could tell.”

“Ah,” said Jamie. ‘Twas me then.” Jamie shook his head. _I cannae let John lose out on love because of me_.

“Yes, it was you. And more than that. You know how I told you I was reluctant to give my arse?”

“Aye. That bastard who raped ye. Seventeen fer Christs sake.” Jamie shook his head.

“I never explained, never shared that with him.” _Dear God. All these damn secrets._

“So, are ye blaming yerself for that sorry mess? Christ John. He was the one fucking someone else!”

“Oh there’s more. Weber was threatening him. I have felt if Percy trusted me more, I could have helped him, the two of us could have handled Weber together. But I wasn’t there for him. In Percy’s mind at least. I regret I wasn’t the person I should have been. God, I regret so much.”

“Christ John Grey. Ye’re a one fer taking responsibility fer everyone else’s troubles, that’s fer sure.” Jamie shook his head. “Why are ye stuck thinking it’s yer fault? There’s plenty of fault on his side too.”

“My behaviour influenced his.”

“God. Claire and I have got stuck blaming each other fer things. Going round in circles. Jesus Christ, man. Ye’ve got to move on from that John. Stop blaming him, stop blaming yerself. None of us are perfect. Claire reminds me o’ that often enough. Forgive him. And fer Christ’s sake, forgive yerself. And ye have to let go of yer wet dreams of me if ye can ever be happy with him. Ye can believe all ye want about how much ye love me John Grey, but the truth is, it’s holding ye back.”

That stung. After all the tenderness and affection they had shared, it felt like a slap. John wanted his love for Jamie to be boundless, but here was Jamie, firmly setting the boundaries.

Jamie looked at him, intently. “I canna stop what ye feel fer me John. But I cannae give ye everything ye should have. You deserve to be loved John, in every way, heart and soul. You are the best, the best of men.”

Jamie reached out and stroked the tears on John’s cheek, teasing his fingers through John’s hair as he looked at him tenderly, softness in his eyes.

“Have you been studying Psychology with Brianna?” asked John.

Jamie laughed. “Nae. Well, aye. A wee bit. Her and Claire. Pickles my head tae be honest, all their blethering.”

John chuckled, his mind a jumble of overwhelming emotions.

“John. Percy’s probably having wet dreams of ye right now. Be honest with him, like ye have with me. All those things you’ve just told me, ye’ve kept secret from him fer Christ’s sake. I’ve tried keeping secrets from Claire and it doesnae work.” Jamie leaned over and kissed him.

“So it’s time to reveal my true, imperfect, battered self to him? Warts and all? You’re right of course. Christ, Jamie, it’s so hard to let go,” said John and he looked into Jamie’s eyes.

_“_ Yer not really letting go man. Yer setting yerself free. Because mo charaid, I’m not enough for ye.” _Aye. It’s simpler than I thought. I’m not enough._

“Oh Christ Jamie.” _It was true. I always needed more than Jamie could ever give._

“John. What sort of friend would ye like me to be?”

John thought about that for a moment. “One with whom I can share the load. When the burdens become too great, that they would share my load,” he said looking at Jamie with a watery smile.

“Aye. I can do that John, I would be honoured to do that fer ye. We’re going tae be better friends now than we’ve ever been. We’ve still got a lot more mess in our heads to talk about.” They embraced, arms wrapped tightly around each other, porridge gone cold long ago.

“Jamie, can I still come and visit to ensure your welfare?”

Jamie laughed. “Major, I’d love ye to check on my welfare. And more than once each quarter. And I still want yer kisses- aye?”

“Oh good. I think I can try to be content with that my dear.” John reached up, kissing him soundly, again and again.

Then he snuggled in, head on Jamie’s shoulder, Jamie’s big protective arm around him. “John, ye haven’t been down to my still this visit. I’ve made some changes there.”

“The whisky still? You’re still making it?”

“Aye. I’ve got these casks made of oak, so I think it’ll be better than the last lot. I’m still hoping I can switch ye away from that brandy of yours.”

“No. No Jamie. No no no. You took away half my insides with your last brew. Your whisky will kill me.”

“Och, John, am I not yer perfect man after all…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everybody for reading. This obviously leads on to a John /Percy fic, but not at the moment


End file.
